Hauntings...

It is 2:45 a.m. i just got in from Ybor. It was Quavaween tonight, and i went, desperate to get out of this house, to go somewhere and forget....for a little while at least. i went to FLIRT, it was the usual crowd, little kids, 18 to 23 mostly, getting plastered and kissing their dates, and their friends, and whoever caught their attention and dancing everywhere dancing. i had hoped i would run into the girls, that maybe seeing them would give me back a little piece of what i was missing... but they didn't show, and i stayed all night...i finally went to the CZAR with Holly and hoped i'd see Sam. No luck there either.

i felt tonight, much like how i always feel when i am in those places... an alien, lost and alone, and not belonging anywhere. So why do i go there, to forget for a little, dance with some strangers that i will get their first name, and a few moments with, and then never see again. The difference this time, was that the alone-ness was more pronounced, the not belonging there was more palpable... because the only place i wanted to be, and the only place my heart belonged tonight was with her. It has been 2 weeks, and it feels like 2 hours, and i cry myself to sleep at night, and cry myself awake in the mornings, and all i want is a hello, an acknowledgement, that for one moment i mattered, and that she gives a damn what happens to me. i have tried calling, she won't pick up... i have emailed, she want return the mail, i wonder if she even reads it. And it feels like forever since i last saw her face, and last saw her smile....and I ACHE INSIDE!
Father above, I pray, please, please let me hear some word from her, some hello, some kindness.

i love you, K... with all my heart.
love
dahlia