Rantings...

First impressions are a bitch!
My girlfriend says I should cut the bull and admit to who I am - I am a flirt/player/etc.

Here is my rant... THAT IS NOT ALL I AM! My problem is not so much that people know I am flirt, but they make it carte blanche. They assume every time I smile, every time I say hello to someone I don't know, every time I am nice just cause I like being nice, that I am flirting. I HATE THIS! It means I have to second guess being me every time, and wonder why am I being nice, why am I smiling, and IT SUCKS ALL MY JOY out of being me. Unfortunately, when I met my girlfriend, the first impression was that I am a flirt... and that one has stuck, and it has stuck with her friends as well. So my question of the day is HOW DO YOU UNDO A FIRST IMPRESSION?

I miss Jamaica, in Jamaica I was just being dahlia, nobody added anything more to it than that, and people there love dahlia. It has been hard adjusting to the US; people act different and interpret actions differently. I like to walk around smiling, especially if my day isn't all I want it to be. It is something I was taught by my mom, you smile, you make your day different and you get a chance to improve someone else’s day. Compliment people, people like to be appreciated, do nice things for people whenever you can, for no other reason than you can. You know what me doing that means up here.... FLIRT! FLIRT! FLIRT! FLIRT! FLIRT!

The sad part is, I don't get to be the me that I am most comfortable with, and I get pissy and miserable, and it messes with my days, and me. The people who take the time to get to know me without the pre-judgment get that, that this is just me, being nice, being me, nothing else - no ulterior motives, no jacking off...nothing extra.
I guess what I want is for people to see more of me, than one thing - to me as more than just a player/flirt - because when they do, they get so much more than they could ever expect. The funny thing is there are so many other people who don't see me that way, who meet me and think, she nice, she is friendly, she is helpful, she is charming. So why does it bother me so much when some don't see me that way? I can't change people, and I can't change first impressions, and I sure as hell don't plan to change me - so what now?