Last night with the aide of the good head doctor i discovered something about why i miss her, why it hurts so much. I finally looked at what she means to me, what i love about her. It is her freedom, the very thing that took her away from me. She is who i wanted to be when i was five, and 15, and 20. Somewhere between 20 and 26 i made decisions that changed me from who i wanted to be into who i thought would make everyone else happy. i do not wish her less than freedom, but even though you love the butterfly in the sky, you still dream it will come and sit on your shoulder for a while. My problem is i want an encore.
She is my candle in the night, that light in the distance that leads me home, that illusive magic that fills me but i can't quite touch. She is my "je ne sais quoi."
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