Lessons In Love....Rough Drafts

I started this wanting to write an article/essay on being a gay parent. I tried to consider all the factors that go into what I do. The fact that I am a single, black, female who is raising sons in a world where who I love is considered a point of contention, derision, divisiveness and above all immoral. I thought about other things, like the fact that I have not practiced a clear set of religious guidelines with my sons. I have thought about why that is, how my church sees me, and how they will judge my sons for that. I thought about all the ideals I had for being a “good” parent, and then about the reality that we are the best we can be, and sometimes that simply isn’t good enough. There is so much I could say about parenting from what I have learned from books, from the church, from my parents, from my friends, from society, but I thought the better of all that and I decided instead to write a letter. A letter to all to my children, and all children out there who are children of gay parents, who are gay children of straight parents, who are children of no parents, and to children who for one reason or another have lost touch with the parents they have. Here goes everything.

Dear James and Nathaniel,

It’s another year and this year, James, you will be turning 8, and Nathaniel, you will be turning 6. Most importantly you will be one year older than you are now, one year smarter, stronger, taller, cuter, hopefully – wiser, nicer, and gentler. I remember when you were both little babies inside of me. I remember feeling you in me, growing, morphing into these little persons long before the doctors thought I should be able to feel those things. I remember the moment you were conceived, I felt you start, and I remember wandering what sort life I would create. I knew that whatever you were, you would have a better life than I did, because I was going to exceed what my parents did for me. I was sure I could do a better job, after all my parents had done a great job with me, and I had more modern learning to add to that. I remember you growing and I remember particularly being so worried that whatever I felt was going to influence you, and I wanted to remain happy and content so that I would have happy babies. I learnt that life doesn’t quite work out like that. Things happen, and you do what you can, and leave the rest up to G-d.

I remember when each of you was born. Each time was so different. James, I had the easier labor with you. I dilated fast, so I got my epidural really early, and I was pain free through much of the 11 hours that you were trying to be born from inside of me. By the time you were ready, the drugs wore off, and I remember almost breaking the bed I was in, in an effort to get you out. They suction cupped you so I wouldn’t hurt you pushing so hard and you came out with little suction shaped bulb on your head. Nathaniel, it was almost as if you didn’t want to come out. I waited almost 10 hours before I dilated enough to get the drugs, so by the time you were ready I was sound asleep. The doctor woke me up when you were crowning. I remember holding each of you, and wondering when your mommies would come to get you. Then I remember realizing that you were mine, that you came from me. You were both so beautiful, and I felt like you had definitely gotten the raw end of the deal.

Since then we have all gone through our growing pains. You turned my life upside down. Suddenly I didn’t exist anymore, in my place was this person who was always going, never sleeping, always worried, sometimes scared, and awed 90 percent of the time. You both grew up as such strong individuals, just like I wanted you to be. Now that individuality can be such a point of contention between us. I wanted to raise independent thinkers, who could make up there own minds about things. Now we square off when you make up your mind that what I ask you to do is not what you want to do, or will do unless there is some threat of bodily harm, or loss of property.

I watch other children go by at the school I go to, and in the park, and around town, and I wonder what you will be when you are all grown up. Will you be tall and handsome like that boy that just past where I was sitting? Will you be gentlemen, will you be honest, and trustworthy, and of strong character? Will you be free thinkers, and open minded, and searchers and seekers of the truth, and of G-d?
I wonder what sort of husbands you will make, what sort of partners, what sort of friends? Will you be great fathers? Will the world last long enough for you to be, and do great things?

In your short lives here, you have been moved around, separated, marginalized, hurt, lonely, sad, scared, lost. You have felt unwanted and unloved. I haven’t been there for a lot of those times, for reasons that seem reasonable in adult thinking, but wholly unjustifiable to a child. I ask your forgiveness for this, and for me placing you in a position to learn this at such an early age. I want to thank you for showing me that love makes all that null and void. I want to thank you for always welcoming me back with open arms, and always giving me one more chance to be your mom. I want you to know, that even though we won’t always see eye to eye. Even though we mightn’t always like each other. Even though we might sometimes say things we don’t mean, and treat each other in ways that aren’t the best, I want you to know that no matter what I will always love you. I will always be proud that you are my sons. I will always want to be where you are, and want to share in your life. I want you to know, that you will always be the number one guys in my world.
Sometimes miles will separate us, like they do right now with you and me, Nathaniel. Sometimes stubbornness will separate us, like it does right now with you and me, James. But my love goes beyond the miles, and beyond the stubbornness, and beyond all the man made things, and mind made things that can come between a parent and a child. I want you to know, that even when it might be difficult for me, I will accept you and love you as your are, no questions asked, no justification needed. I want you to know above all that G-d makes this kind of love I have possible, because he taught me to love like that and I want you to know He will always love you like that.
Remember the big stuff boys, as you grow. Remember to wipe your nose in tissue, not in your hand, or on your sleeve. Remember a smile will fix any day, or a least make you feel that much better, it will probably help some other people out too. Remember to dance in the rain, and laugh with wind, and run with your arms outstretched, ready to fly. Get to the sea as often as possible. Do your best to never miss a sunset, and try to wake up in time to watch the sunrise. Always be thankful, always say thanks, and please, and your welcome, and excuse me. Don’t forget to hold the door for whoever is coming behind you, and to open the door for the ladies.
Most of all sons, every chance you get, no matter what the outcome, LOVE.

Love always,
Your mom…. dahlia