Not You

This morning I told you what hadn’t changed for me in all these years…


“I Want You.”

In it was crystallized all the love, longing and hope in my heart.

It wasn’t something we didn’t know. There were no surprises there, but its plain honesty and bare openness took us both a little by surprise and changed everything I had so carefully put in place.

All those hours and days of a year trying to make my heart understand that from here on in, all we ever were and could be were two friends that shared a deep abiding love for each other.

It unraveled a year’s worth of working on my heart trying to get it to take another chance on love with someone new, someone who could be there like I needed them to be.

It erased a year of learning and trying not to look at you that way, that made the whole ocean seem but a mere drop in the bucket.

And now?

What happens to the new things I have tried to let happen in my life?

What happens to the new memories and moments I have tried to make real?

It took more than a year to make my heart understand that loving someone else didn’t mean I was cheating on you; before you that was not even and issue.

It took one year for me to get back to ok that you are not here with me like that anymore…

It took one moment, one honest thought to make all that a lie.

I don’t know how to go on from you. Each attempt a false start, but, I really want to try.


I really want to give someone else’s heart a chance to draw me in and weave its magic in mine.


And, it isn’t a matter of distance,


it isn’t a matter of time,


it isn’t a matter of silence.


I love you, plain and simple; Deeper and stronger and higher and farther than I have ever loved.

Now I must learn to love again in a new way that doesn’t compete with this, because it can’t; And doesn’t replace this, because it won’t; And, doesn’t mirror this because then it wouldn’t be itself, it would not be new, and it would not survive because it would NOT be you.

-d


8/13/2010


8:15 am